Notes on My Struggles

I wanted to put this here for my own reference and to think it out a little bit.

Two things revealed to me recently (by God, I believe) follow:

1. I'm repeating the dysfunctional cycle of my family of origin by mostly setting boundaries when I'm angry about something. That's being permissive and punitive and making boundaries seem undesirable and related to rejection. :(

2. When I'm upset about something, like Katie wanting a different apple because I cut part out of hers, I kind of abandon her (like my mom abandoned me) and tell her in an angry way, "Fine, but you will get the apple, clean it, and the dish yourself!" :(

I know I need counseling. I will follow through with this by calling the mental health line for our insurance this week. :) :D

I love my kids so much and feel bad about my poor parenting. I'm scared of parenting, of doing it wrong or hurting them, and, in my avoidance, I just do what comes "naturally" and end up hurting them, anyway. :( I need to find courage in the Lord and be the best mom I can be, empowered by the Holy Spirit! I need to seek refuge in Him rather than in things of the world and to actively participate in our relationship. Thank you, God, for your endless love, perseverance, and grace! I love you!

Here's a link I wanted to add, a real eye-opener about the dynamic of yelling and how it affects your children:

Is it wrong to yell at my children?

Chocolate

I don't think I've done a post on this subject before. If I have, I apologize.

I'm on a quest for the perfect (in my opinion) chocolate. I am going to list the brands of chocolate I have tried and will probably add tasting notes. I'm going on memory for now, but as I have some of these chocolates again, I will add more specific qualities and observations. I should add that I am only sampling chocolate that is dairy-free. However, I would love to have feedback and comments on your favorite chocolate, whether or not it contains dairy. :)

Here is the list, as far as I recall, of chocolate bars I have tried:

A. Korkunov - One of my favorite chocolates. Very smooth, not too dark.

BLANXART

Café-Tasse - Another favorite - the dark, not the very dark. It's not brittle at all, and I really like that quality in a chocolate. Super-smooth.

Chocolove - OK, flavor is not great.

Cote d’Or

Dagoba

Divine - Wonderful, very smooth and very dark without being bitter. I typically prefer a creamier, less intense chocolate, but this was really excellent. A definite favorite.

Endangered Species - These are a little better than average. They're milder than some and, therefore, good for kids, I think, or those just becoming initiated into the world of dark chocolate. They have a dark chocolate bar with blueberries and one with raspberries. Tasty!

Green & Black’s - I really like their Maya Gold variety. It's flavored with orange and spices. Their mint-filled bar is very good, too.

Guittard (Sur del Lago, Chucuri, Ambanja)

Hachez - They have a Strawberry Green Pepper dark chocolate bar that is very interesting!

Kouba - Their "Winter Stroll" bar has chipotle chile and Ceylon cinnamon in it and the chipotle flavor was surprisingly strong and had a noticeable heat. Wow!

Lake Champlain - Very good chocolate. I think it may be local to MN.

NewTree - Interesting flavored varieties like cherry (excellent) and lemon.

Ritter Sport

Santander - Very good. It was my favorite for a while.

Scharffen Berger

Valrhona - I didn't care for this chocolate.

Dairy-Free White Chocolate
For those non-dairy types like myself, Organica makes an organic (surprise!) dairy-free white bar. I love that they don't call it "chocolate" because it really isn't, although it does contain a liberal amount of cocoa butter. It's very rich and just a fantastic bar. YUM!

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I have such a headache. We'd like to leave at about 8am tomorrow and, wouldn't ya know, I've packed almost nothing yet! Blah.

OK, now I've packed a little. I need to keep in mind the number of days during which we'll be gone so I don't bring too much. I still have a headache, but I haven't taken anything yet. I should do that.

I really hope the kids go to bed soon so I can get going and keep going until I *have* to go to bed.

Going on 32

Today is my 31st birthday! :)

13 Going on 30 is a great, great movie. I just love it. Brian got it for me as part of my birthday present. :D You know, sometimes I don't feel a lot older than 13, myself. I just love how she was so transparent and unjaded and had such faith in the power of love and the way things should be. I think we need a lot more of that in this world. Maybe I'm naive or sheltered, but I am grateful that I am still an idealist. I want to be. I'm not saying, "Oh, I'm so great. Everyone should be more like me." Not at all! Actually, when I said I don't feel a lot older than 13 sometimes, I was referring mostly to my awkwardness and immaturity. But I also think that youthful earnestness, optimism, and exuberance are very good things (that I need more of!)

So, there. :) Challenge the status quo: have a great Monday! ;) :D

I just have to add that I am truly grateful to God for His love in Jesus Christ and for my family, especially for giving me my soulmate and two precious children. I may have problems, but in the big things, I want for nothing. My heart is full. <3

Movies!

Tonight, I was going to McDonald's to pick up supper for Katie, Luke, and myself because Brian is sick and we don't have a lot of food in the house. On the way there, we pass the local video store here in town and this evening there was a sign in the window saying they were going out of business and selling their DVDs. I was elated! A going-out-of-business movie sale is just my cup of tea. :D I love movies and I love to buy movies! All DVDs were on sale except for the new releases. They were $8/movie or 5 movies for $35. Not the best deal I've ever come across, but for small-town Minnesota, I guess it wasn't bad. Here's what I bought:

Lars and the Little Tiger
Primer
Luther
The Second Chance
Something New
Balto III: Wings of Change
Mona Lisa Smile
Stuart Little
Bob the Builder: Snowed Under - The Bobblesberg Winter Games
The Land Before Time XI: Invasion of the Tinysauruses

I think at least part of this will be my birthday gift from Brian. :) Fun! :D

Sorry if I've been negative in my posts. I don't consider myself to be an excessively negative person. I do use my blog to deal with stress and to vent and work out my feelings. I will try to post happy news, as well. :)

I feel very disconnected right now. I've written to a few old classmates on MySpace and have gotten no response. I feel like I often say the wrong thing and that I don't really have a place of belonging. Perhaps it's the lack of IRL fellowship (church and social). Or that I'm putting my time and energy in the wrong places. I don't know.

We do have a new plan as far as church goes. :D A little backgroun: We don't have a home church right now, and I really want to start going again. I have a list of three churches we can try. What we have decided to do is that Katie and I will go try out a church and if it seems to be the type of place our family is looking for, we will all attend together to try to find out if that place is where God wants us to be. I'm excited about this because it seems like a very workable solution! :D