Notes on My Struggles

I wanted to put this here for my own reference and to think it out a little bit.

Two things revealed to me recently (by God, I believe) follow:

1. I'm repeating the dysfunctional cycle of my family of origin by mostly setting boundaries when I'm angry about something. That's being permissive and punitive and making boundaries seem undesirable and related to rejection. :(

2. When I'm upset about something, like Katie wanting a different apple because I cut part out of hers, I kind of abandon her (like my mom abandoned me) and tell her in an angry way, "Fine, but you will get the apple, clean it, and the dish yourself!" :(

I know I need counseling. I will follow through with this by calling the mental health line for our insurance this week. :) :D

I love my kids so much and feel bad about my poor parenting. I'm scared of parenting, of doing it wrong or hurting them, and, in my avoidance, I just do what comes "naturally" and end up hurting them, anyway. :( I need to find courage in the Lord and be the best mom I can be, empowered by the Holy Spirit! I need to seek refuge in Him rather than in things of the world and to actively participate in our relationship. Thank you, God, for your endless love, perseverance, and grace! I love you!

Here's a link I wanted to add, a real eye-opener about the dynamic of yelling and how it affects your children:

Is it wrong to yell at my children?